just the girl.. all gloves off

Today, it was a conversation about religion that got me thinking.

Some people say that only the rich and happy can afford religion. Because ordinary people living their lives have more to worry about. I don't know about that. And how about the ever popular "If God exists, why is there suffering?" or "Will a good person who doesn't know God go to Hell?" "How can that be fair?" "How do you know God even exists?" I don't know about those either.

And it's precisely because I don't have all the answers that I base my findings, if you will, on personal experiences.

Religion is not something you explain. Science does that. Mathematics does that. Even logical thinking does that. But religion requires you to suspend earthly beliefs for that moment. To believe in miracles and believe that the Big Guy does listen to prayers and hopes; sees your pain and failures, sees right to the heart of you.

I refuse to believe that this world is a mere coincidence, that events happen for no reason, that the things that happen to me are arbitrary and have no significance whatsoever. That the people I meet, loved and lost came by just because of fate. I believe that they all have a purpose and meaning in my life's journey.

This became even more firmly entrenched after M**k left. Because there was no way I could ever find an answer to the "why?"I used to wonder when I'd break, when I'd stop holding it together and fall to a million pieces. I was so tired and stretched thin. I was never on my knees in tears every morning so often in my life before. But to cut a long story short, I learned to laugh again, to smile, from the heart and not just on the face. To see colours, hear the music and smell the roses. Perhaps not to love again yet, but surely getting there.

It was hope that kept me alive.

The belief that this happened for a reason and purpose. The belief that I was not the terrible failure I saw reflected in the mirror each morning. Every relationship has limits, give your friends and family enough shit day in and out, and one day, you'll find that they're suddenly not so eager to sit through another session of sobs and sniffles. Time may have stopped for you in your crisis but not others. Pain, as you'll find, is rather a personal journey.

But for some reason, I was never alone. Looking back on my life and how far I've come, I would say that my life has truly been a series of miracles; where the unimaginable became possible. I'm not saying believing means you have a perfect life. But somehow along the way, in every single crisis, it felt like I never walked this earth alone somehow.

I guess when I say religion, I really mean a personal relationship with your Maker. Not the type preached in church, not the fellowship songs nor gatherings. I guess you could say that my religion and faith was born out of a relationship with Someone I'd never seen. Born out of the times of crisis shared, when you are humanly as alone as you can be.

And I think that's what the fragmented world needs today. Not songs, not platitudes and well-meaning preachy cliches, but the personal touch where you can believe that there is a constant, a something that you can count on. An anchor when we're struggling to stay afloat, for even the strong fall. A direction when we come to crossroads, because we are not always so certain. People want to know that someone, anyone, gives a damn about the insignificant speck of dust that they are.

Hard-sell religion is not going to cut it. People are much too sophisticated and complex for that these days. As I grew older, I realised that the people who truly had substance in their religion, where those who did not need to shout it out loud, who did not need to wear the religion badge of honour. They were those who wore it in their heart and branded it in their soul.

To me, I can hardly reconcile some of my actions and way of life to what's preached in the church. And I hardly want to look for absolvence in a roomful of people, hence the backsliding and missing attendance. But I like to believe that the basic tenets of love and respect towards fellow human beings are what I already have. For "above all else, love one another as I have loved you." For we're faithful, but not perfect right?

Strait-laced church types would be horrified with this blog. But hey, my relationship with Him is my own. Because mine is not a religion of the masses. Do I lack their passion? No. Do I lack the strength of their belief? No. I like church, just don't force your ways on me.

I find that walking with Him this way is a deeper and more significant one that I find much more fulfilling, even more than regular Sunday school. And if even strait-laced church-goers can't answer those questions posed in the beginning, why do they think they have the answers to the right way to worship?