I don't know if you can hear me

Someone asked me today how long I've been attending church. (for those who know me, don't be so surprised!). I was caught off guard cos I don't even remember! Like 3 months perhaps? I remember the reason WHY I started going again I just can't remember when.

And I even took leave to go for the church camp recently. But for the life of me, I just can't recall in succinct details the lessons taught. No booming voice from upstairs zapping me with a flash of divine insight. Just one on friendship when the pastor asked everyone if they had a best friend they could count on. (Yes!) All I'm left with is more questions and conflict that I can't even pay attention during sermons.

And today I just needed some time out from the after service activities to be on my own. To breathe in my own space and reflect on what it all means. Is it beacuse I'm not open? Not ready? I mean, 3 months will usually tell me roughly how I can expect a relationship to turn out, can it be the same here? Is this not meant for me? Am I asking for the wrong things? Not asking enough? ARRGh. It's enuff to send me mental.

"Are you there God? It's me J..."